5 Things I Thought I Would Never Say

5 Things I Thought I Would Never Say

5 Things I thought I would never say By Kate Parker at The Online Watercooler

Every parent has had a moment speckled in amongst the mundane and the pure craziness of life with small children. A moment both surreal and predictable that epitomises the paradox of parenting. A moment where they ask themselves: did I really just say that?

And in that moment, life may have been flying by too fast to catch hold of the tiny speck of reality that will later become an anecdote worth recounting, but at some point we have pause to remember the silly, funny, nonsensical things that come out of our mouths in the name of doing the very best parenting job that we know how to do.

5 Things I Thought I Would Never Say by The Online Watercooler for #MyFiveThings - lovefrommim.com Motherhood Parenthood Parenting

Here are my 5 Things I Never Ever Thought I Would Need to Say…Until I Had Children:

1.  The Gross Stuff

“Please put the poo down.”

“No you can’t wear those knickers, the dog has been eating them”

“Please take your genitals out of the glitter jar.”

“Pass me the torch so I can check the kids for worms while they sleep.”

Every day brings a new low in what hygienic conundrum I’m willing to accept. Bodily fluids abound, and although previously even the thought of changing a nappy was a borderline deal breaker, after a few years of parenting I’m willing to wade through anything in the name of my (messy and often sticky) children.

2.  The Ridiculous stuff

“Yes you do need pants.”

“No you can’t ride your scooter naked down the street.”

“Please don’t put the cat in that again.”

Needless to say, nothing I could have envisaged about parenthood would have included changing a nappy while my eighteen month old was scrambling up a tree, but sometimes the ridiculous is sublime. Parenting has its challenges – and some are much much funnier (in retrospect) than others. Of course, at the time, these things are highly frustrating and often equally as confusing. Thank God for hindsight, or no one would ever have a second child.

3.  The ‘I Give Up’ stuff

“Yes McDonalds is healthy. Finish your chips.”

“We have three minutes till the kids are back? Let’s get it on!”

“Sure. You can wear your pyjamas to the grocery store.”

When we learn we are about to become parents, we have visions of perfect nurseries, breastfeeding quietly in a vintage rocking chair, organic purees and cute baby outfits. Somewhere along the way, the idealism fades. In my experience, it usually happens around the same time as the first poosplosion. Yes, that’s a thing.

The real lesson about parenting is that it can’t be planned for or scheduled and despite the best of intentions, the older your kids get the more you let things slide or make compromises you never thought you would. Sometimes in the name of five minutes rest. Sometimes in the name of one on one time with your partner. Parenting isn’t perfect, but on the plus side you will learn the real value of a Happy Meal.

4.  The Safety Stuff

“I’ve told you before – no swords on the trampoline!”

“Get off the roof of the car please.”

“Yes I use a lead for my child. No, my dog doesn’t need one.”

I never thought I would have to catch my two year old as he jumped off the top of an upright piano. It happens, and it happens quickly. No matter how on top of things you think you are, there is always a moment in parenting where you fear for your small child’s life. It’s not something we can really understand until you have a child build a small staircase out of blocks to get over a pre school fence.

5.  The Most Surprising Stuff of All

“Yep, my Mum was right.”

It’s a unique perspective, being a parent, and a strange thing to be able to see through the eyes of your own mother and father. So in the name of great parenting I have to admit that for the most part, my mum and dad got it right, if only in the hope that one day my kids will say the same.

Kate Parker is a writer, mother and Violet Crumble enthusiast. Being a parent to a 6 year old boy and a 4 year old girl has opened up new material to write about and Kate’s passion is to connect parents across every kind of subject matter; The Online Watercooler is a place where parents can share their experiences about parenting, current social issues and events and everything in between.

You can follow her on Twitter and Facebook!

5 Things I Thought I Would Never Say by The Online Watercooler for #MyFiveThings - lovefrommim.com Motherhood Parenthood Parenting

Linked to You Baby Me Mummy and Amy Treasure

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  1. 17th December 2015 / 7:49 am

    Ha ha! Love the glitter one! I always say stuff that my mum used to say! and some more odd stuff too. Fab post and thanks for linking up to #TheList x

    • 18th December 2015 / 7:17 pm

      Thanks lady! Such an awesomely funny post isn’t it :)

  2. 14th December 2015 / 7:31 pm

    This is hilarious! And quote terrifying for a mum to a younger child… I guess I have all this to come! *shudder*
    Great post! X

    • 14th December 2015 / 7:56 pm

      Ha ha I know me too – argh! x

  3. 14th December 2015 / 7:33 am

    Hehe yep I recognise a few of these! Sometimes I do just think I can’t believe I have said that out loud. And by out loud I mean at the top of my voice in a busy supermarket or crowded soft play, for the third time because of course my little darlings are not listening. #thelist

    • 14th December 2015 / 7:57 pm

      Hee hee I know exactly what you mean! x

  4. Rachel (Lifeofmyfamilyandme)
    13th December 2015 / 8:41 am

    Oh how funny! I am quite thankful i have not had to say anything like this to my girls (yet!) haha #thelist

    • 13th December 2015 / 7:16 pm

      It’s so funny though isn’t it! x

  5. Keri Jones
    13th December 2015 / 8:14 am

    OMG LMAO!!!!

    • 13th December 2015 / 7:16 pm

      Hee hee I loved this post by Kate! x

  6. 12th December 2015 / 5:22 am

    Hahahah I giggled so much at this. All so, so true!!! I’ve said so many things I didn’t think I would say ‘stop licking the cat’ was probably a low point. I love this list! xx #thelist

    • 12th December 2015 / 5:34 pm

      So funny isn’t it!! x

  7. Jodie Allen at Budget Beauty and Babies
    11th December 2015 / 10:03 pm

    Haha! isn’t it funny how life changes. This post did make me laugh though. “get your genitals out of the glitter jar!” hilarious! #TheList

    • 12th December 2015 / 5:34 pm

      Bahaha that was a favourite of mine too! x

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