This morning I read a beautiful post by Chantelle at Fat Mum Slim on how she feels about having more babies. That burning question shared by so many mums. How do you know when you’re done having babies?
For me, I could not be clearer. I am done. No more for me. I’ll tell you why.
I’m so done having babies
First of all though, like Chantelle, I hope to talk about this as sensitively as possible. I have two children and despite feeling like it would never happen at the time, I was very lucky to conceive quickly.
There are two explanations as to why I am done having babies. One very short, the other not so much.
I’ll start with the short one – I only ever wanted two children. I got two children. Job done. Or was it?
I knew that going in to my second pregnancy, it would be my last. I ate enough cake to make it feel worthwhile (big bloody mistake, still trying to shift those kilos).
When I almost got the labour and birth I wanted, it was another pregnancy thing I could check off my list.
Two months in, sleep deprivation solidified for me that I was done. I questioned how friends chose to have more babies. Women Women. And they are – because I just don’t know how they do it. A baby and a toddler is exhausting, isn’t it!
At the same time though, I had always wondered what it must be like to have a large family. I used to watch Brothers and Sisters and despite their dramatic, fictional issues, I would have pangs of envy. How wonderful for kids to always have someone to play with, to talk to, to have their back. You know, as well as the scraps and increased noise levels.
When Mini hit 6 months old, I returned to work part-time and he started at daycare with his big sister. After a rocky few days for my poor emotions (he was totally fine), I quickly got into being back at work. Working is something I love to do, having my own career is important to me.
Two weeks later, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Twenty months on from that, with a lumpectomy, chemo and radiation under my belt, the chances of me conceiving now are slim to none. I’m lucky to have a period these days (winning!).
The guilt I felt when I was diagnosed, looking at my two babies, was excruciating. I felt so guilty to have brought them into a world that I might not be in to share with them. I looked at my daughter and questioned – what if my cancer would be passed on to her genetically? To either of them. (I later found out that I thankfully do not carry those genes).
Now I am done having more kids for very different reasons. I probably couldn’t if I wanted to but I’ll never know if I really did end up wanted more. I’ll never know what it feels like to wake up one day and wonder if I am really done.
And I’m fine with that – it makes my life simpler. That’s what I want these days. Mr M agrees. My heart breaks for parents who want more and cannot, for whatever reason. It breaks. It isn’t fair.
I look at my beautiful babies and I’m thankful to have them and to be here for them.
I’m a believer in fate, in everything happening for a reason. For me, my life is supposed to be this way and I accept that now.
What about you? Are you done having more babies or would you have more if you could?