Chemo – done and dusted! I never thought I’d get to this point but I’m happy to say I’ve finally finished chemotherapy.
If you follow me on Facebook or YouTube, you might have already heard from me about this. Don’t forget to Like or Subscribe to me on both so you don’t miss any further exciting announcements such as this ha!
Technically I had my last dose of Taxol chemo 2 weeks ago. I was getting really bad peripheral neuropathy and nerve issues such as pins and needles and numbness for a while and my Oncologist thought it best to stop the chemo.
Although these issues are very common during this particular chemo, there is no guarantee that the damage won’t be permanent so it’s about finding a balance between getting enough chemo to be effective but also guaranteeing a decent quality of life post-chemo.
So, I’m done!
It’s a weird feeling and one that we’ve all been building up to for a while. After I was told I was finished I felt the elation and immense relief that chemo was all over.
Very quickly though, I kind of slumped into a very unusual feeling. It was like being overwhelmed and underwhelmed all at the same time.
I think this is for two reasons. Firstly, I look in the mirror and I still look ill. I still look like I have cancer. I’m bald, my eyelashes and eyebrows are almost 100% gone and I’ve put on so much weight with the steroids and water retention that I look nothing like my ‘usual’ self. Because I’m a size 8 normally…LIES!
But you know what I mean – I look like a fat, grey, bald person ate me. I say person because I do not look or feel feminine in the slightest.
Secondly, all of a sudden those dark feelings I had just after my diagnosis came back.
I started to think about what if the cancer comes back. What if it comes back quickly. It is Triple Negative breast cancer after all and is more aggressive and fast-growing than other forms.
I wonder again if my Oncology team is keeping the truth from me and letting me walk around blissfully unaware that I don’t stand a chance at survival.
What if it isn’t my last chemo and I have to return when the cancer inevitably comes back again?
What if I die? What if cancer is going to kill me after all?
Does anyone survive after a Triple Negative breast cancer diagnosis?
Perhaps I’ll have a look on Google and see. Maybe I’ll find some survivor stories and feel better.
STOP RIGHT THERE!
And that’s where I had to stop myself. I will not be googling the above – it’s a dark, steep slope to depression. There are NO positive stories of Triple Negative breast cancer survivors on Google. Trust me, I’ve looked.
But I tell myself now that the reason there are no positive stories is because those survivors are out there living their lives to the full and they’re too busy to blog about being cancer-free or comment in cancer forums about how they’re over it.
I make a mental note to keep blogging about my survivor story – I want someone in the future to be able to read how I got through it and how 5, 10, 30 years on, I’m still living my life cancer-free. I hate the idea of someone else being scared.
So I’m trying not to fixate on those dark thoughts because at the end of the day, a big old bus could mow me over tomorrow but I’m not going to waste my time today fixating on tomorrow’s possible bus-in-the-face!
Sooo for the rest of the week I’ve been resting up (because I am well and truly, utterly knackered) and getting my head in the game for the next step – radiotherapy.
I have an appointment with my Radiotherapy Oncologist next week – I’ve met him before and I remember him being nice. I’m hoping he’ll give me the dates for when I’ll have my 20 sessions of radiation and I hope it’s soon because the sooner I start, the sooner I’m done!
So here I am: bald, grey, knackered, fat with a couple of comedy drawn-on eyebrows but hey ho, I’m alive and I’m on the rebuild. Slow as it may be.
Being the sentimental type, I thought I’d end with an open letter to Chemo. It really encapsulates how I’ve felt in getting through the past 6 months:
Dear Chemo
F*CK OFF!
Love from Mim x
I think that just about sums it up, don’t you think? Ooh that’s my first swear word on this blog ever you know – apologies etc.
I will finish this post by thanking you all once again for getting me through the past six months because you DID get me through.
I didn’t do chemo, we all did. We didn’t like it too much but we’re grateful for it nonetheless.
Thank you to you all for your support, love, friendship, patience and, of course, for letting me be oh-so-self-indulgent many times.
I’ll never forget the friendship and love you have extended to me during this absolutely horrible time in my life.
I promise you two things. Firstly, I will get through this.
Secondly, if you ever need me for anything, if you’re ever struggling or need a friend, I’m here for you too. I’m that kind of friend you can’t really shake off you see. Once I’m your friend, I am for life.
I love you all! Love from Mim x
Related: Download my Chemo Appointment Stickers here.
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- Unexpected Side Effects of Chemotherapy
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Hi Mim, it seems an age (probably because it was) since I popped by your blog to see how you are doing. I’m so glad to read that you are beating the disease. I hope the radiation gives you less problems than chemo… And as for your letter to the chemo, it was perfect! I’m pretty sure I’ve never sworn in my blog before, but when the shoe fits….
Take care
xx
Oh thank you lovely! Chemo and radiation is all DONE! I’m feeling brilliant and have everything crossed that I’ll be cancer-free forever :) x
You are so brave and to be able to keep a sense of humour through all of this is amazing. Who needs eyebrows anyway :) xx
Thank you! Ha ha eyebrows are overrated :) x
Well done, high five…tick it off the list and onto the next. You are doing amazingly and you still have a sense of humor – chemo can’t take that right?
P.s stay away from google! when i was pregnant with my third baby i googled some symptoms which told me I had a deadly liver disease…. I actually had a hormonal rash!
xxxx
Thank you lovely – and yes, laughing helps :) Argh Google is a nightmare – I’m staying right away! x
Fabulous news, really happy for you! You continue to inspire and are a delight to read which is fabulous and amazing considering all that you are going through, the cancer doesn’t stand a chance against strength like that ???? Xx
Thank you so so much Rhona! That’s so lovely of you :) x
Bloody hell I don’t even know you and I think you rock. Doctor Google has AWFUL bedside manner – honestly he (or she) knows shit. You are right, I know someone who is a Triple Negative Survivor and I can tell you this much, she isn’t online telling her story – she’s too busy living, working, travelling and drinking champagne.
Rest up and be kind to yourself.
Oh thank you! And I’m so happy to hear about your friend’s story – I will soon be joining her, especially in the champagne drinking :) x
Mim I am reading this having finished treatment 15 months ago for tnbc. I’m a friend of Eve Deasy we used to work together at the Co-op a few years back. I totally relate to the fear you have of few stories being available online but there are many many survivors who just don’t care to share, keep that in mind. I’ve just found out I’m pregnant and we went to see my oncologist who was thrilled for us and who told us “get on with your life, look forward not back, there is no joy to be had living in fear”. I’m at a less than 5% chance of recurrence after 6 months of EC, paclitaxel and carboplatin plus a mastectomy – I’ll take those odds. So much of what you find online about tnbc is out of date and scary as hell. Just focus on the future, live your life, be happy. Sending lots of love, Louise xxx
Oh Louise if I were there I would kiss you! Thank you so much and a bloody big yay for how well you are – I’m hot on your heels :) and a BIG congrats about your pregnancy – oh that’s just wonderful! I’m so happy to get your message today, you’ve put the biggest smile on my face! Best of luck for your pregnancy and keep in touch :) x x
You are awesome and an inspiration to me.
Not just f*ck you chemo its f*ck you cancer. X
Oh thank you lovely and YES F*CK right off cancer – forever!! x x
Great news. Keep believing. Really glad you’re through it – good luck lovely, brave lady xxxxx
Jess xx
Thank you beautiful! x x
Congrats for finishing chemo hon and here’s to being kind to yourself and to turning back that clock to feeling a little younger after some R&R xxxx
Thank you lovely – ah I can’t wait for that! x x
That’s great news Mim – what an ordeal you’ve been through. Wishing you all the best for whatever comes your way in your next chapter.
Thank you so much Lauren! x
I just thought of another point to add to my essay. I had my genetic testing done by Professor Judy Kirk at Westmead Hospital in Sydney. When she rang me with my results I specifically asked her that question: is it still more likely to come back because it was triple negative, even though they found no genetic link? Her answer was a definite NO. And she is some one who should know. Thought you might find that comforting.
Anyway, FUCK triple negative, too. That’s what I say!
Totally fuck it ha ha! Oh that is such a relief to hear – I hadn’t asked that, I was too busy imagining the worst I think! x x
I’m so happy that you’ve finished chemo! Love that letter! Yes, it can totally fuck off!
I relate to all of those thoughts and feelings you’ve expressed. In fact, at my last follow-up appointment with the radiation oncologist I had a massive anxiety attack. He told me it’s often quite common to have these feelings when you’re finished. You’re operating on adrenaline and doing what you have to do to get through treatment because you have no choice, then suddenly it stops. It’s strange, you feel relief and elation but all the fears you mentioned set in, too. I can see that I still look tired in photos, like you mentioned. I seem to be suddenly having trouble sleeping, I wake up through the night and all those thoughts whirl around in my head. My treatment plan was different than yours and I sometimes wonder if my doctors got it right. It can really drive you crazy, can’t it? Sigh. I’m not helping much, am I? I just hope it helps to know you’re not alone.
Btw I have read at least one survivor story from Triple Negative. Plus oftentimes people don’t specify exactly which type of breast cancer it was when they say they’re a breast cancer survivor, so I believe it’s possible that they’re out there. My oncologist also told me he was very happy with my results as it was still a very early cancer with no lymph node involvement which is the same for you.
You make a very good point about blogging about it so others can know there are survivors. For some reason I’ve hung back from blogging about it too much, but you’ve made me rethink that.
Anyway, all the best for your radiation treatment. It does seem never-ending schlepping in for it everyday, but will be over before you know it. I found the Moo Goo cream to be really good and my skin has already cleared up, no lasting redness. The fatigue chaser though…. ugh… But we’ll get there. Sorry for the essay! I hope you did something nice for yourself to celebrate the end of chemo xoxo
You’re amazing, you completely get it – I love your essay :) ha ha a fatigue chaser is so unwanted really but very glad to know you had a decent experience with it! x x
What a brave woman you are! For god sake though stay well away from Doctor Google, it’s just trying to give you an early heart attack. We are more likely to die from stress if we read what google has to say! Keep up the good work my love, you are amazing!
Ha ha you are SO right about Google! Thanks lovely :) x
You are a total inspiration my love. I cannot conceive how difficult things must be and still you have the strength to try to help others, that is amazing. Chemo and Cancer can f**k off :) xxxxxx
Oh thank you lovely – all I can say is thank goodness for blogging – it’s been my lifeline in so many ways :) x x
Oh Mim that’s wonderful! I hope radiotherapy is a little kinder to you that chemo xx
Thank you lovely! Bring on the radio waves :) x x
I’m so pleased for you that the chemo has ended. I’m sorry that it has brought a lot of fears and worries, though I can understand why there would be mixed emotions.
For what it’s worth, I think you’re entirely right about why positive stories are missing from Google. You see that with quite a lot of things. It is a sad truth that the Internet contains a lot of the sad stories, simply because people with the positive stories feel less need to share & gain support, & are more likely to be doing something else. I suspect that many also avoid mentioning their outcomes because they don’t want to be the person saying ‘I’m fine!’ to others who are not so lucky.
I know it may take you some time to get back to looking like the person you recognise, but you aren’t ever going to stop being strong and beautiful and recognisable to everyone who loves you – that’s who you are, it’s not in your eyebrows.
Hope the radiotherapy goes as well as possible. xx
You are just wonderful, thank you x x you’re so right about not wanting to shout about good news for that reason and also I have a fear of jinxing things too! x x
Why do you have to live so bloody far away??? Loving your letter, hopefully cancer gets the message!! I’m terrible for googling things but I think you are right, same with reviews on Amazon- you only ever find the negative ones. Huge hugs hun, you are amazing xx
You’re just going to have to come over here :) x x
Awesome ! A fabulous reason to celebrate. Keep looking forward .
I wish you everything , Mim.
Oh thank you so much Trish! x
Ah that’s brilliant news – congratulations! Another important milestone achieved on our journey. Onwards and onwards and hope that you recover fully and you build your strength up soon.
X
Thank you so much lovely lady! x x
Oh Mim you’re amazing. I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through/been through and all the associated feeling. Massive congrats on getting to the end of chemo and quite agree that cancer can very much f*ck off.
Lots of love xxx
Thank you so so much lovely Amy – and it can well and truly fek off hee hee! x x
I’m so proud of you Mim. I remember when you told our little group and I just couldn’t believe it. You might think you look terrible and whilst you don’t look like you, you still look beautiful. We can still see you in the body you have now.
I hope radiation is a little better on you xxx
Ooh you’re so lovely – that’s totally brought tears to my eyes! Thank you lovely x x
Oh Mim I’m in floods! You’re so strong, more so than you’ll possibly ever know, but you’re an inspiration for every single person out there who’s battling anything in life. I’m so happy for you finishing chemo, well done for stopping yourself from Googling and sending love, strength and positivity for this next stage xxx
Oh thank you so much to saying that lovely lady! Yay, onwards :) x x x
Hey you bald grey, knackered, fatty with a couple of comedy drawn-on eyebrows – you are bloody ace! Stuff all of that you are kicking it in style and I’m glad that you’re sharing this so that anyone else going through the same crap can be like – I wanna be like Mim! One step closer to this all being over. Love ya xxx
Hee hee that’s me to a T! Oh thank you lovely :) I’m nearly done woo hoo! x x
Hi Mim, have you been on the BCNA site/forum. There are a few triple negative survivors there. One of them has just passed 5 years from her 2nd triple negative diagnosis.
Isn’t finishing chemo the best feeling, in the strangest way. I knew on the day that i was having my last, 8 months ago. My sisteer spoiled me with a pair of Pandora earrings. I then had lumpectomy & axillary clearance, then 30 radiotherapy sessions, all finished at the end oj January.
It’s hard finishing radiotherapy,. You’re there every day, then…… nothing. You move in to follow up mode, which just doesn’t feel enough. It’s a strange new world to inhabit, trying to figure out which symptoms matter & which don’t. People sharing stories you don’t always want to hear, but they mean well my so you listen. I’m not saying it’s all bad, but it is hard at times. Don’t be too hard on yourself on the not so great days.
Take care, Lyn
Oh thank you Lyn! I have been on the forum but not in ages so will reconnect :) I can completely imagine how hard it’s going to be when treatment is done – to go from all eyes being on you and so many appointments to nothing must be a bit of a shock. At the same time, I’m looking forward to rads being over :) x
There’s been a bit of politics on the forum. Just try to ignore it. If you ever need to talk with someone who’s been there, I’m sure you can access my email address. Sometimes it helps to chat with someone who gets it. I may not have been TN, but I’m god at listening
Lyn
Thank you so so much Lyn x x