Recently I started seeing a psychologist – my doctor referred me – things aren’t right.
I know it all started going wrong after the cancer. Well, things tend to go a bit downhill after then for most of us, right?
That was over two years ago and since then, life has been a bit weird. I can’t put my finger on why. And I don’t know how to change something when I don’t really know what the “something” in question is.
But one thing I have stopped doing is blogging. I mean, really blogging. It was my therapy during the chemo and it gave me the outlet I needed to voice all of the shitty things I was going through then.
But then I stopped writing as much. Life got busy, bills piled up and work took over.
Which was fine for a long time – because work was a great distraction for the whole “I nearly died” thing. And the bills do need paying so work helps that out a bit.
But somewhere along the way, when everything and everyone moved on from cancer, one thing didn’t.
I haven’t moved on.
And I really don’t like the person I am at the moment.
I’ve always been pretty comfortable in my own skin. Sure of myself and happy.
Always smiling, laughing, joking and convincing everyone else that everything is going to be ok.
But these days, the smiles, laughs and jokes are less frequent and they’re not really the same. And rather than automatically know that everything is going to be ok, I now worry that nothing will be.
And how I worry. About everything and everyone in my life. It’s intensely exhausting.
And I don’t like it. I don’t like being unhappy and negative and worrisome. I certainly don’t want my kids to see me like this or to learn from it.
I can’t put my finger on why I’m so unhappy.
I’m alive, my kids are happy and healthy.
I have a great husband and a nice house.
I have some amazing best friends who I love to pieces.
But I just feel unhappy – in a blur. On the outside looking in at a very sad girl.
I’ve only seen the psychologist twice so far but already it’s helping to talk about my feelings and what’s happening in my life.
I’m hopeful that we can find ways to change me back into the happy and positive person I’ve been for nearly 40 years.
Because I know, deep down, I’m still the same. Albeit it with a wonky boob, fewer friends and a lot more wrinkles.
There are things I need to stop right now – top of the list is the negative self-talk.
I’ve gotten into the habit of talking about myself badly, and very unkindly. Whether I’m talking to others or inside my own mind, there’s just too much trash talk.
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I’ve been seeing a psychologist recently and one of the things they’ve picked up on is how unkindly I talk about…myself. . I call myself names when I’m not happy with my behaviour or achievements. I talk down on myself with negative language. . Not all the time, and only in a couple of ways – but consistently enough that I now think badly of myself. . Like when I don’t work out, I call myself ‘lazy’. . Or when I get fixated on stupid social media stats, I call myself ‘boring’. . Do you do the same? Are you unkind to yourself? . It has to stop – and I have to stop it – that whole ‘love yourself first’ thing. It’s hard though when it’s become a habit. But I’m trying to be kinder to myself. Baby steps. . . . . . #kind #kindness #positivevibes #positivity #positivethinking #selfworth #selfconfidence #bekind #bekindalways #bekindtoyourself #selfesteem #motivation #positiveenergy #beyourowncheerleader #personality #negativeselftalk #positivemindset #positiveselftalk #happy #happiness #bekindtoyou #staypositive #motivateyourself #motivateyourmind #happythoughts #positivelanguage #kindnessrocks #kindnessmatters #selfdoubt
So I’m going to stop that right now.
I just need to find some proactive things to do that make me feel and think more positive stuff instead – because I’m a nice person, with a lot to offer the world.
5 things I do well are:
- I’m a loyal friend – I’ve always been intensely loyal to my friends and would do anything for them. Once I’m your friend, I’m your friend for life. I’m a great listener, confidante and the best personal cheerleader you’ll ever need.
- I work hard – if you employ me, you’ll always get my best. I take my job seriously and I’ll go above and beyond to do well and impress you.
- I’m quick-witted – I have a one-liner for every occasion! I love to make people laugh – it’s one of my favourite hobbies :) Sometimes my sarcasm gets lost in translation – just always assume I’m joking and we’re good.
- I’m awesome at braiding hair – if there was such a job, and it paid ok, I would be a professional hair braider. Thank goodness my daughter loves to be my guinea pig – I could braid hair all day and I’m super good at it.
- I am generous AF. If I have extra advice, time, love, money or more, it’s yours. I love to help people and especially those who can’t find their own way.
I’m also a pretty awesome mum to my two babies.
I don’t know how long I’ll be on this planet for but I do know that I want the rest of my life to be as happy as it can be.
I want to laugh, smile, joke and love whole-heartedly – just like everyone else does.
But we don’t really know what’s happening behind the smiles, do we?
And this is what’s been happening behind mine.
Thanks for reading x