It’s Time I Stopped Doing This.

Recently I started seeing a psychologist – my doctor referred me – things aren’t right.

I know it all started going wrong after the cancer. Well, things tend to go a bit downhill after then for most of us, right?

That was over two years ago and since then, life has been a bit weird. I can’t put my finger on why. And I don’t know how to change something when I don’t really know what the “something” in question is.

But one thing I have stopped doing is blogging. I mean, really blogging. It was my therapy during the chemo and it gave me the outlet I needed to voice all of the shitty things I was going through then.

But then I stopped writing as much. Life got busy, bills piled up and work took over.

Which was fine for a long time – because work was a great distraction for the whole “I nearly died” thing. And the bills do need paying so work helps that out a bit.

But somewhere along the way, when everything and everyone moved on from cancer, one thing didn’t.

Me.

I haven’t moved on.

Mim Jenkinson

And I really don’t like the person I am at the moment.

I’ve always been pretty comfortable in my own skin. Sure of myself and happy.

Always smiling, laughing, joking and convincing everyone else that everything is going to be ok.

But these days, the smiles, laughs and jokes are less frequent and they’re not really the same. And rather than automatically know that everything is going to be ok, I now worry that nothing will be.

And how I worry. About everything and everyone in my life. It’s intensely exhausting.

And I don’t like it. I don’t like being unhappy and negative and worrisome. I certainly don’t want my kids to see me like this or to learn from it.

I can’t put my finger on why I’m so unhappy.

I’m alive, my kids are happy and healthy.

I have a great husband and a nice house.

I have some amazing best friends who I love to pieces.

But I just feel unhappy – in a blur. On the outside looking in at a very sad girl.

I’ve only seen the psychologist twice so far but already it’s helping to talk about my feelings and what’s happening in my life.

I’m hopeful that we can find ways to change me back into the happy and positive person I’ve been for nearly 40 years.

Because I know, deep down, I’m still the same. Albeit it with a wonky boob, fewer friends and a lot more wrinkles.

There are things I need to stop right now – top of the list is the negative self-talk.

I’ve gotten into the habit of talking about myself badly, and very unkindly. Whether I’m talking to others or inside my own mind, there’s just too much trash talk.

View this post on Instagram

I’ve been seeing a psychologist recently and one of the things they’ve picked up on is how unkindly I talk about…myself. . I call myself names when I’m not happy with my behaviour or achievements. I talk down on myself with negative language. . Not all the time, and only in a couple of ways – but consistently enough that I now think badly of myself. . Like when I don’t work out, I call myself ‘lazy’. . Or when I get fixated on stupid social media stats, I call myself ‘boring’. . Do you do the same? Are you unkind to yourself? . It has to stop – and I have to stop it – that whole ‘love yourself first’ thing. It’s hard though when it’s become a habit. But I’m trying to be kinder to myself. Baby steps. . . . . . #kind #kindness #positivevibes #positivity #positivethinking #selfworth #selfconfidence #bekind #bekindalways #bekindtoyourself #selfesteem #motivation #positiveenergy #beyourowncheerleader #personality #negativeselftalk #positivemindset #positiveselftalk #happy #happiness #bekindtoyou #staypositive #motivateyourself #motivateyourmind #happythoughts #positivelanguage #kindnessrocks #kindnessmatters #selfdoubt

A post shared by Mim Jenkinson (@lovefrommim) on

So I’m going to stop that right now.

I just need to find some proactive things to do that make me feel and think more positive stuff instead – because I’m a nice person, with a lot to offer the world.

5 things I do well are:

  1. I’m a loyal friend – I’ve always been intensely loyal to my friends and would do anything for them. Once I’m your friend, I’m your friend for life. I’m a great listener, confidante and the best personal cheerleader you’ll ever need.
  2. I work hard – if you employ me, you’ll always get my best. I take my job seriously and I’ll go above and beyond to do well and impress you.
  3. I’m quick-witted – I have a one-liner for every occasion! I love to make people laugh – it’s one of my favourite hobbies :) Sometimes my sarcasm gets lost in translation – just always assume I’m joking and we’re good.
  4. I’m awesome at braiding hair – if there was such a job, and it paid ok, I would be a professional hair braider. Thank goodness my daughter loves to be my guinea pig – I could braid hair all day and I’m super good at it.
  5. I am generous AF. If I have extra advice, time, love, money or more, it’s yours. I love to help people and especially those who can’t find their own way.

I’m also a pretty awesome mum to my two babies.

I don’t know how long I’ll be on this planet for but I do know that I want the rest of my life to be as happy as it can be.

I want to laugh, smile, joke and love whole-heartedly – just like everyone else does.

But we don’t really know what’s happening behind the smiles, do we?

And this is what’s been happening behind mine.

Thanks for reading x

Read next:

Follow:
Mim

I hope you enjoyed reading this post! Please feel free to comment below, I love hearing from you :)

Find me on: Web | Twitter | Facebook

14 Comments

  1. / 2:41 pm

    I think Louise’s comment about how she was too busy surviving to grieve is something that many of us can relate to, and I wonder if there’s an element of that for you happening? Like some of the other commenters have noted, the experiences you’ve been through were huge. And maybe now that things ARE OK – that you’re fully alive and your kids and husband and house are fine – that part of you that didn’t get to fall apart and own its sadness and fear is now feeling safe to speak up and let those feelings out? Or not – maybe that’s not quite right, and the unhappiness is coming from somewhere else. Either way, I hope that your therapist is able to help you as you figure things out, it sounds like they’ve been great so far. :-)

    • Mim
      Author
      / 10:49 am

      I think definitely – it’s all been so rushed, especially the first year afterwards. There hasn’t been much time to really work through what happened. Thank you so much for understanding – it really means so so much to me x x

  2. / 2:32 pm

    You’re such an inspiration Mim, you forgot brave off your list of awesome things that you are. xxx (PS I want my hair braiding can I come over!)

    • Mim
      Author
      / 10:47 am

      Thank you lovely lady!! And you can come for hair braiding any day :) x

  3. Lisa
    / 2:23 pm

    I am so sorry to hear you are hurting. You have been so kind to me as I have been going through my cancer treatment. I get the fear. It can be all consuming. I am so happy you realize you deserve to be happy again and are taking the time to take care of yourself through therapy. You are a wonderful, loving person and I will never forget you. I think you are very brave to share your experiences and it really helps me to not feel so alone. If I can give that peace back to you, please let me know.

    • Mim
      Author
      / 10:47 am

      Thank you so much Lisa and it means so much to me to chat to you too. We’ll get through this together :) x x

  4. Oh Mim, you’re a wonderful, wonderful person xxx. I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling this way. I’m glad the psychologist is helping and hope things start to improve soon. xxx

    • Mim
      Author
      / 1:04 pm

      Thank you so so much lovely x x and YES, it’s really helping to have her to talk to x x

  5. Louise
    / 11:38 pm

    Hi Mim,

    What you went through and are still dealing with was some pretty heavy, horrid shit !

    When I look back at the challenging times, I feel as if I was so caught up in surviving that I didn’t have time for grieving. As an example ; my first daughter was born at 31 weeks. Her first few months involved hospitals, expressing, sleeplessness and longing. It wasn’t until sometime later that I realised what I had lost. I almost had to allow myself to grieve for not having a vaginal birth, not taking her home straight away, attending prenatal classes, enjoying the anticipation of the last few weeks of pregnancy. etc. etc. etc. All of these things were important to me. Yes, of course I had a beautiful healthy baby, in the end, but that didn’t diminish my feelings of loss and thus grief. My expectations were significantly different and I needed to grieve the loss of these scenarios that I had imagined. ie; attending prenatal classes with my husband.

    I’m wondering if maybe you, in facing your own mortality in such a scary and upfront way, have lost something too? Maybe the ignorance and way that so many people can take life for granted. Not that any of that is negative…………just that becoming aware of mortality and all of its implications is kinda pretty big. We all like to think ‘it will happen one day, but that’s not for ages- so I don’t need to think about it.’ We can put it to the back of our minds and just get on with life. But what if our own demise comes and shakes its fist at us, taunts us and scares us? Couple that with all of the emotions of guilt, love, fear, anger, etc and I can see why anyone would be quite unsettled, confused or insecure about things afterwards. Your whole being has been threatened.

    I do love your posts. I love your everyday honesty, rawness, strength and vulnerability. The ‘5 things I do well’ points that you put in your post. I’m wondering if you could try looking at numbers 1,3 and 5 from a perspective of looking after yourself?
    1. ‘……….the best personal cheerleader you’ll ever need.’ time to rock out the pompoms in your head from you to you :)
    3.’ ………I love to make people laugh’ Use that humour for yourself. Being able to laugh at yourself and not take it as seriously. I reckon you’ve got this one beautifully !
    5. ‘………….I am generous AF. If I have extra advice, time, love, money or more, it’s yours. I love to help people and especially those who can’t find their own way.’ I found myself hanging shit on myself and creating negative self talk for something recently. I consciously reminded myself – “How would I advise my friend K***? I wouldn’t talk to her like that? I need to give myself good advice and encouragement.” Luckily that conversation happened alone in the car. :)

    You are not alone.
    You are loved.
    Everything will work out as it should.

    Love L

    • Mim
      Author
      / 12:39 pm

      I really think you’re so right with that – the grieving stage just didn’t really happen as I was so focused on my appointments and keeping going, then staying busy and getting through it all. And I completely get your thoughts on the things you lost and missed out on – I had a very carefully planned life set out for myself (I’m a control freak!) and the cancer just threw me right off track. There are things now I will never be able to do. On the flip side, I’ve had opportunities and relationships that I might never had the chance for if I hadn’t have had cancer. It definitely isn’t all bad.

      And I wish more than anything I could have that feeling of being “carefree” and, as you say, that feeling of being ignorant to the fact that my life might be cut short. I just didn’t really consider that before – despite becoming a parent.

      Thank you so much for listening and understanding what I’m going through and for your amazing advice that I will definitely start to do. Thank you lovely – every word you’ve said means so much to me x x

  6. / 8:42 pm

    You’re never quite the same after this cancer crap that’s for sure. Sigh.

    If only we saw ourselves the way others do. You are truly awesome and I’m sure your list could be much longer.

    I also have an inner mean girl. Or I descend into self-deprecation all the time. I’m trying to be more mindful of it and stop but it’s so ingrained for me.

    I am so glad you are seeing someone and finding it helpful. I’m here as well if you need to talk. 💜💜

    • Mim
      Author
      / 12:32 pm

      Oh so true lovely! And I’m always always here for you too x x x

  7. / 7:27 pm

    You are the most divine person Mim, honestly, I am honoured to be your friend. You need to start seeing yourself as everyone who knows you sees you, as you are beautiful, both inside and out.

    • Mim
      Author
      / 12:31 pm

      I love you so much, thank you Kylie and right back at you x x x

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.