5 Things Mothers want to do but can’t and how to solve it: By Antanika at Adjust Remembered
My idea of relaxing doesn’t ever begin until after 7pm each day, on any given day.
You know when people say “Oh I’m just going to relax at home” those people usually are people without kids.
A nice day at home with kids means nothing. NOTHING…
I have three children aged 11, 3 and 4 years old. The only time we relax is when they’re at their grandparents, a whole painful 60 minute drive away.
Which got me thinking, what are the things I would just like to do, but can’t do because I am constantly surrounded by tiny humans.
As a parent you can’t ever eat alone, ever. You might have the same thing as they had just earlier, but they didn’t want it and threw a huge tantrum about eating it, but they look over to you, at your bowl and just watch you, they’ll move closer and closer till they’re almost sitting inside your body and look you longingly in the eyes till you give them your last mouthful.
Solution: Give up eating.
Don’t even consider sitting down to watch T.v, not even a single episode of something that is somewhat child friendly like ‘How I met your mother’ or ‘Parenthood’ because they will do a few things:
a) They will cry because they want to watch kids shows.
b) They will climb all over you and probably kick you in the face or elbow your boob until you “accidentally” shove them a little too hard that they fall off you.
c) they will talk over the top of your show in the moment that you have actually been waiting for but now it’s ruined because you saw but didn’t hear said character’s reaction.
Or a) b) and c) will all happen at once.
Solution: Don’t even bother. Just throw it away.
They will find you no matter how hard you try to disguise yourself in the latest Lush scent of your choosing, you will end up with an arm, a torso followed by a fully clothed child, a my little pony and probably someones poo with you in the bath you cherished so much. Eventually you get out sulking like a toddler that can’t watch kids shows.
Solution: Never wash your filthy body ever again.
4. Be a human.
You will always be the Mum that yells randomly while talking to the phone people, be it the bank, the school or a phone job interview at your dream job. You will forever be wiping snot with your own clothing, getting pee and poop on you that isn’t your own and not even washing it off asap, because you ain’t got time for that. You will always put your own need to pee and poop on hold and it’ll have been 4 hours since you first decided you needed to go.
Solution: Wear a nappy and wear bath towels as clothes (since you won’t be needing them to bathe), also refrain from phone calls, indefinitely.
5. Read or write.
This should be basic human right for a mother. Allocated time to read a book or write, to submerge yourself into someone else’s life for a few hours a week or to vent about your own in a journal or blog.
The last time I read part (a small part) of a book was while I was waiting at school pick up, I went there earlier and didn’t take the younger kids with me. Have you ever tried to read a novel with kids around, in the day time? No? Well. Imagine this, the kids seem occupied with the kinetic sand they so desperately needed, you get a coffee ready, you sit it down, you sneakily grab your book or laptop and get ready for a 30-45 minute break….cue kids 5 minutes in, I need this, I need that, can you read it to me? What’s this button? Where are the pictures? I’m hungry, I need you to wipe my bum… That, constantly. So you give up, and then you give up trying because what is the point?
Solution: I got nothing….there is no solution for this. I am so sorry.
You give up any time you have for these kids, you give them your eating time, your reading time, your bathing time, you give them your you time, you give them all your love when you think you have none left, so much so that some days you forget that you too are actually human and need some ‘me love’ time.
Solution to motherhood? Don’t be afraid to ask for you time. You deserve it. Or alternatively… my solution, drink wine (somewhat responsibly).
Thank you so much to Antanika at AdjustRemembered.com for submitting this hilarious parenting post.